I am still alive.

Still at work.

Still not working.

Things change, and yet they did not – well actually no, they all changed. A lot. I don’t think anything really changed for the better.

But right now I don’t care. It’s a good day. And there is cake.

cracker. Another month gone by before you could even blink once. Or twice. And now its December. On our way to Christmas. And everything falls into place. The lights, the cold and permanent rain, the haters and the insanity of presents.

Tonight we are having our office Christmas party. We are hiking up a mountain and then stay overnight in one of these houses up there, with really really really good food and maybe some hot water. I heard they have horse drawn sleds. And that excites me. We are three women and about 20 guys. That worries me.

But what the hell, come what may. What a week by the way. The shooting in Colorado pretty much affected me the whole way through. Wednesday I had a nightmare about my base and a shooting, and even though Jo blames it on my watching movie habits I am astonished and yet not surprised on what humans are capable of.
Does life imitate art or is it the other way around?

So, I can hear the meeting in the next room is being finished up, everyone is eager to change into snow outfits and get going. Some of my workers already planned games for tonight, and you wouldn’t believe that spin the bottle is one of them. Yeah, sure. I am going too, returning to the busy as a bee mode. My friend Sabine is coming for a visit from England next week. What a week that will be! Christmas.

So torn between
my faith, my dreams, my hearts wish
and life’s reality
I see that which I long for all around me
yet I never fit in
Why? Why has it never, why is it always
why can’t it be?
Is it me?
Am I the one to blame?
Would it help if I changed? Loose myself is that the answer
I can’t believe that
But what else?
Patience. Really?
Take it with grace
Well I could. If it were only me
But they
are watching – judging
making me feel
like a failure. Mistake. A misfit.
Leave me my pride
Even if that’s all I have left.
Today I might despair
Tomorrow might bring hope.
Or another death.
I will go on.
But for today
I lost all hope
for myself.

I see the moon
and the moon sees me
The moon sees the somebody I’d like to see.
God bless the moon
and God bless me
God bless the somebody I’d like to see.

No good deed goes unpunished.

So, its the weekend. I am here, the single at the married couples house. I guess you can handle these things with grace. Or some people can. I don’t know.
Joes and I just spent the last two hours trying on some clothes, now I finally  dressed up in Joes  old clothes. Actually in her dads clothes  – and the disturbing thing is that they fit me. Not that well, they were rather too tight. But I like baggies. Hm, I don’t think that is the right word. Tonight we’re sneaking again, and then tomorrow its shopping time. I made a list of things I need to buy but just because of that I know I wont find anything. At least that’s how it usually goes.

Now you’ve fallen down,
now you’re on your own.
You don’t know whats left until it taken away from you.
Autumn makes me cry – there’s just something about the end of summer – the dying of a season, or rather a year, like an old friend  that’s getting older and you know there’s nothing you can do to stop it, because that’s how life goes. That’s what life means. Everything has a beginning and an end.. Yet somehow it won’t change feelings.
I am looking forward to winter, maybe even snow this year, the start of a new one and the hope of all things getting better. They might not, actually they probably will not – remember Jo, we figured that out once – but there’s always hope. Shallow, empty, sad – a fool’s hope. And yet. that’s what keeps me going.

So.

Its 4.16pm. With enough imagination you can think its 4.30pm. Which would mean its almost time to go home.

How come it is only Tuesday and everyone I know is desparate for the weekend? Well at least my boss will only be here on Thursday and thats it for this week. Not that he cares what I do when he’s here.

Friday sneak, hopefully, and maybe one of these days Joe will actually stay home longer than just five hours a day to sleep… hihi, but hey, at least one of us can have a life! Manu is opening another store and I am looking forward to going home from work and stopping at the occasional subway at central station to get a sandwich and then head home.

Just saying hi. I gotta get home. Its 4.18pm. Shit.

Whoever did has obviously never worked at my office. Well, vacation is over, however my boss is not yet back to order me around so I get to prepare everything for the next days.

You wouldn’t believe how much crap has happened while I was gone and they didn’t even care. Just put it into my box, I’ll deal with it later. Right.
And that’s why I am dealing with shopping, reading news, planning for next year and other very important things.

Well, what do you know its noon. Time to take a break. Lets get something to read, so the afternoon will move quicker.

How do you
time is changing
you feel like you just stand still
everything around you falls to pieces
you loose what you treasured most
and realize it hasn’t been yours at all

Alone
sunshine
the tea is boiling
and thank god we have sugar
learning again
to be contempt
who took it before?

Still hurts.
it makes me angry
doubt it’ll change
for now I’ll be alright
but once they’re gone

what then?

No, no,

 

please do NOT get out of my way. I couldn’t possibly want to exit from this bus with you standing in front of both doors. Because it has been SUCH a pleasure standing behind you, squished in from every side, just to make sure your square meter of empty room has been respected. I mean this bus is not really THAT crowded. Go ahead, spread yourself as wide as possible and do keep your shopping bags as close to the ground and our shins as possible, since we REALLY enjoy having something resembling cold hard metal bump into our legs every fucking second. Oh, how lovely of you to look at us as if WE were hurting the concrete blocks you have bought and hidden in these hideous cloth bags you’re oh so graciously spreading across the much too large free space anyways.

…I wonder why people don’t take the bus more often…

Hey, isn’t it great how you are walking in front of me? Please, swing that umbrella a little more in every direction. I simply cannot wait for a pointy metal stick to me in the eye, or the stomach or – goody goody – in my leg! Yes, you have to go somewhere fast? I should have known. Oh, then by all means, step on the back of my heels. Makes tripping so much easier! And please don’t move your body so that it would be possible for three people to walk next to each other on an escalator. That would be just boring and mean. Oha, so you feel like stopping in the middle of the street? Man, don’t be shy, just make sure you do it right in front of a really fast walking person. Ever better if its a group of people. And once again: Be sure to glower at them after running into you. Because after all – it is THEIR fault. If you feel like stopping they should have known.

A wonder I still go outside.

Oh, the torment bred in the race,
the grinding scream of death
and the stroke that hits the vein,
the haemorrhage none can staunch, the grief,
the curse no man can bear.

But there is a cure in the house
and not outside it, no,
not from others but from them,
their bloody strife. We sing to you,
dark gods beneath the earth.

Now hear, you blissful powers underground -
answer the call, send help.
Bless the children, give them triumph now.